Smokin’

Man, this addiction is a bitch! Two days, and back at it again, puffing away!

What the FUCK!

If there’s ever anything that I’ve been powerless over, it’s these damn tubes of rolled up leaves.

There are a million excuses rolling around in my head. I just wasn’t ready, it’s too hard, my job is too stressful, I’m lonely because my wife is away for the weekend…

Boo Hoo Hoo!

Even the damn powerless thing. Is that causing a lot of the problem, my belief that I’m powerless? My belief that I’m sick?

Or maybe, I just don’t want to stop smoking.

I enjoy it some of the time, maybe 5 to 10 percent. But the rest of it is just such a pain in the ass. It’s just maintaining nicotine levels in my bloodstream, or giving me an excuse to duck out of social situations.

It’s also just such an ingrained part of my sense of self. I’ve been smoking since I was 12 years old. I thought I was… I guess the only word that can describe it is sophisticated. But even that’s not quite right.

It was almost like it was reverse peer pressure. No, that’s a load of horse hockey, too. The people that I wanted to be like, the rebels, the ones on the outside of what was good and decent and normal, all smoked.

And now I’m trying to be one of those good and decent and (lord help me) normal people, and this one thing isn’t friggin’ cooperating!

It’s not the fact that I smoke that I object to. It’s the fact that I have to smoke that I hate. I really could care less about the health consequences 30 years down the line. Of course, ask Lyman 30 from now if he cares about them, and he’ll probably give you a grand “Hell, yeah!”

What I’m after, though, is quality of life today. And having to be chained to a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, this nasty cough, not being able to spend more than a couple of hours comfortably before having to get a fix… these things do not a quality of life make.

I have come a long way since July 18, 2004 (the day nearly lost everything, including my life). I’m not back to where I was before the drink and depression really kicked my ass, but I’m better, and better off, than I was 3 months ago, six months ago, 9 months ago, a year ago.

This is just one of those things that’s taking a little longer than I’d like it to.

I’m gonna go have a cigarette now.

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