Yet another of my struggles in this whole creating a better life thing is the concept of selfishness vs. unselfishness.

Both of my parents were Christian pastors, and I did a lot of spiritual reading at an early age. I was taught that it’s wrong to be selfish. And the definition that I attached to that virtue was “If it benefits me, it’s selfish.” Whether or not that was the intent, it’s the message I got. (There will be no blaming of others for my thinking here.)

I ended up in rehab at 21, and being the voracious reader that I am, read the AA Big Book as soon as I got my hands on one.

And there it was on page 62:

“Selfishness — self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.”

And, of course, I’m still defining selfishness as “anything that benefits me.”

I didn’t last very long in AA in the beginning. I’d bounce in and out, never being able to accept the ideas that I heard in the rooms.

At one point I really got into Ayn Rand, who believed that selfishness is a supreme virtue, and unselfishness a vice. Atlas Shrugged is quite a novel, and still one of my favorites. My first tattoo was straight from the front cover.

Yesterday, while driving to work, I was listening to The Science of Mind on cassette, and I heard this:

“The criterion for any man as to what is right or wrong for him is not to be found in some other man’s judgement. The criterion is: Does the thing I wish to do express more life, more happiness, more peace for myself, and at the same time harm no one? If it does, it is right. It is not selfish. But if it is done at the expense of anyone, then in such a degree we are making a wrong use of the Law.” (The Science of Mind, pg. 270)

It was like a light was turned on in my head.

My previous definition simply didn’t work for me anymore. If I took it too it’s logical conclusion, eating food on a regular basis could be considered selfish, going to work could be considered selfish, even staying sober could be considered selfish.

I don’t need to hurt myself anymore or others anymore. And the best way I can help others is by being the best that I can be, and doing what I feel led by my higher power to do.

And there is nothing selfish about that.

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