I had a good talk with my sponsor today. I need to make some changes in my life, changes in how I operate on a day to day basis. Changes in my daily habits, especially when it comes to taking care of myself physically.
I wrote in a previous post about burning my ship while I’m still on it. Then, I was talking about a literal dumping of everything in my life that didn’t jive with how I thought my life should be. I don’t want to work at a job, so just quit. I don’t want to be sober, so just drink.
But I realize that, while I may not be burning my ships, I’m putting some major holes in the hull, water is rushing in, and I’m saying the whole time (trying to be a good positive thinker) “Nothing wrong here, it’ll be fine, things are OK.” And the water keeps on coming.
I am very bad at taking care of this physical vessel that I’m living in right now. I’ve always discounted my body – it’s never been something that I’ve cared much about. That was fine when it was a little younger, but I’m really starting to feel it when I don’t get enough sleep, when I don’t eat properly, when I don’t get enough fresh air.
When I sit at this computer constantly surfing the internet, whether it be for “good” things like spiritual writings or personal development information, or for “bad” things like get rich quick schemes or porn.
No matter what my current target is, it needs to be tested against the idea of more life, better life, for me and my world. And a lot of the time, even the search for spiritual ideas can be nothing but a distraction from what needs to be done in my daily life, to keep me happy, joyous, and free.
So right now, I commit to moving my feet and letting the rest of me follow. When I know that the best thing to do is to go to bed, I’ll move my feet to the bed. When it’s going to an AA meeting, I’ll move my feet to the meeting. When it’s taking a shower, I’ll move my feet to the shower.
No matter what my brain tells me, no matter how insignificant my ego thinks it is, no matter how fearful I am of doing the thing I need to do… I’ll move my feet anyway.
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The two words I hated the most when I first quit drinking years ago was:
Be Responsible.