The past week or so has been a pretty tough one.
I posted back on the 15th about having a rough day emotionally, then posted the next day that I was feeling better, that I had pulled out of the pit of depression pretty quickly after having done the basic thing that helps to alleviate depression… movement.
But things still weren’t quite right. I was still pushing myself pretty hard just to get the basics done. Not even the basics, really… just the bare minimum to keep myself going. Go to work, keep this and my other blogs going at the bare minimum, not do anything destructive like drink or engage in anything at least outwardly destructive.
And now, I can say that I’m doing better than even that bare minimum I’ve been living at. There is more than just a hope for the future; there is a knowing that things are getting, not just going to get, better.
Sometimes I feel like quite a fraud having a blog devoted to personal development. I am far from being an Anthony Robbins or Brian Tracy. I’m still a long way off from being a positive thinker all of the time, and while I desperately want to be where they are, I still view with a little skepticism those who claim to have achieved, or at least give the impression of, 100% mastery of their own lives.
Not that I don’t believe what these teachers have to say; I wouldn’t be linking to their teachings if I didn’t. But my brain, instead of recognizing the progress that I have made, always looks at just how empty that glass is, and they are reminders of this. I recently read an article titled How to Survive a Bad Day over at Christine Kane’s blog that described it perfectly: my road to personal development has not been “felt miserable, did some affirmations, and then got wealthy.” It’s been fraught with pitfalls and twists and turns and dead (almost literally) ends.
I’ve really enjoyed hosting the personal development carnival here on this blog. But after I was late in posting it this week, I was done with it. The beast in my head was loud, telling me “What’s wrong with you? Who do you think you are, why do you think you even have the right to do this??? You might as well just quit, drop it, focus on your day job, get a second job to take care of the financial pinch you’re in, and forget all of this stupid law of attraction, self-help, spirituality stuff.”
But I remembered… do it anyway…
So I posted it. And I will continue to.
Finally, yesterday morning I opened up to one of my mentors and let him know what was going on with me; the financial fear, the depression, the worry about the future.
One of the things he asked me was “So, do you think the worry is helping you?”
“No, of course not,” I answered.
“But on some level, if only emotionally, is it helping you to feel like you are doing something about these problems you are having?”
I’d never really heard it put that way before. I had to admit that it probably was. That the worry itself was a coping mechanism that, even while it was dragging my down, was at least giving my brain something to do to think it was solving it’s problems. It’s a lot like the smoking paradox: I smoke because of cravings caused by the smoking itself. And that’s what the worry was doing: it was causing anxiety and depression that was, in a way, being relieved by the worry itself.
“Just let it go, Lyman. Turn it over to your Higher Power. Tell him that you can’t handle all of this shit that going on, your goofy job, your money problems, your fear, your depression… tell him your done with it, and it’s his now.”
Once again, one of the things that I used to do that worked, but I stopped doing.
So on my way to work yesterday, that’s exactly what I did. I didn’t worry about who or what “God” or “My Higher Power” was; I didn’t perform any mental masturbation about him/her/it. I just asked for help.
And I ended up having one of the best days at work I’ve had in a long time.
You know, if I had listened to half of the thoughts that I’ve been having this week, I would have ended up as dead as I almost was a couple of years ago. But instead, by applying a few simple principles of right living, I’m feeling like I’m back on the path that I’m meant to be on. Maybe in an hour or two I’ll be back in bed, flipping through useless channels of useless distraction, embarrassed that I had the audacity to post these ideas for the public to see.
But that’s OK if that happens. I don’t think that it will, but if it does, I’ll just look at it again and see what else I can do to create a better life for myself and those that I love.
Thank you for reading. 
8 Comments
Hey Lyman,
The beast in my head was loud, telling me “What’s wrong with you? Who do you think you are, why do you think you even have the right to do this???
You moreso than a lot of others, you are a real person with real feelings. You help others by being honest and sharing your trials and tribulations.
Don’t give this up, I think it does more for people (and you) a lot more than you think.
Joe
Hey Lyman,
Firstly apologies for missing out on your carnival! I was just a day late! DOH!
Secondly those shitty days you were having are all a part of your growth! Without them you would not be growing! It is through those moments and events and yet coming out on the other side that gives you the right to host those carnivals and post on the things that you do!
I don’t care who it is, Tony Robbin, Steve Pavlina, Deepak Chopra, Dr Phil, Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela, etc etc, They all have had a bad day or two in their time, in fact I’m willing to bet that they had it worse then we could possibly imagine but it is the emergence of their better part through the intense storms that makes them who they were/are!
You are great! You’re on the right track, a few bad days doesn’t = failure, it = growth, plain and simply!
Have an amazing day, continue to grow and persue your dreams my friend!
God bless x
Amit
I read to the end. I don’t know what to say really, but I think that you are making progress. Keep up the good positive work!
I don’t know whether you have read Dale Carnegie, but if you havn’t, I highly recommend it.
I did read Carnegie’s book quite a few times, but I only remember one sentence from it, and it works like a charm to me. That sentence is “prepare for the worst outcome”.
The meaning of life is totaly mental. And if you always prepare for the worst case first, you will not worry about this worst case, and any “better” cases. Of course Carnegie’s book goes on about how to improve from the worst case and finally succeed. But I would recommend spend some serious time on imagining in this “worst” case. It is not just a “strategic” thinking. It is really necessary to really accept this “worst” case. Once this worst case is accepted, the rest is easy, every thing you think and you do will be positive.
It is all mental.
Hi Joe,
I don’t remember which book it was in, but Og Mandino mentioned how when he first began to speak and write on success principles, he met a woman who told him that she never thought this stuff would work for her, because her problems were just too much. She didn’t realize that she was talking to someone who had been a homeless, penniless drunk just a few years before. That story really stuck with me, which is why I think that it’s important that I am honest about where I am and who I am today. And you know what… it probably does do more for me than anyone else out there. It’s pretty cool though that by growing myself, maybe I can, if nothing else, point out to someone else with the same “beast” that it is possible to get better. Thanks for your comments!
Hey Amit,
That’s exactly how I’m trying to look at it; just another storm to weather which I’ll come out the other side stronger for having experienced it. And that is one of the great fallacy’s of success, isn’t it? We see the people you mentioned above, and assume that they sprung from their mother’s womb as they are today.
And not only that (this just came to me), I’m NOT Tony Robbins or Mother Teresa. I’m Lyman, and all of the wishing and hoping that I can be more like them won’t make me like them. Maybe I need to spend more time being the best at being Lyman.
And regarding the carnival… just submit an article whenever you want, even if there doesn’t happen to be one scheduled… I’ll take care of that part.
Thanks for commenting, my friend.
Anji!
Thank you for the encouraging words! I will, and you keep up your work as well!
Hui Zhou,
I did read Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People a few years back. I’ll take a look at the worry book you linked too… sounds like something I could use!
I completely agree with you that it is all mental. I don’t think I want to spend too much time pondering the worst case scenario’s in my life, though. Prepare for them, absolutely. But not ponder them. What I’m doing when I’m down in my depression is dwelling on the worst case scenario’s for everything. But I do agree that once we can take an honest look at the worst that could happen, and recognize that we can at the very least survive it, it does take some of the pressure off.
Thanks for commenting!