The past week or so has been a pretty tough one.

I posted back on the 15th about having a rough day emotionally, then posted the next day that I was feeling better, that I had pulled out of the pit of depression pretty quickly after having done the basic thing that helps to alleviate depression… movement.

But things still weren’t quite right. I was still pushing myself pretty hard just to get the basics done. Not even the basics, really… just the bare minimum to keep myself going. Go to work, keep this and my other blogs going at the bare minimum, not do anything destructive like drink or engage in anything at least outwardly destructive.

And now, I can say that I’m doing better than even that bare minimum I’ve been living at. There is more than just a hope for the future; there is a knowing that things are getting, not just going to get, better.

Sometimes I feel like quite a fraud having a blog devoted to personal development. I am far from being an Anthony Robbins or Brian Tracy. I’m still a long way off from being a positive thinker all of the time, and while I desperately want to be where they are, I still view with a little skepticism those who claim to have achieved, or at least give the impression of, 100% mastery of their own lives.

Not that I don’t believe what these teachers have to say; I wouldn’t be linking to their teachings if I didn’t. But my brain, instead of recognizing the progress that I have made, always looks at just how empty that glass is, and they are reminders of this. I recently read an article titled How to Survive a Bad Day over at Christine Kane’s blog that described it perfectly: my road to personal development has not been “felt miserable, did some affirmations, and then got wealthy.” It’s been fraught with pitfalls and twists and turns and dead (almost literally) ends.

I’ve really enjoyed hosting the personal development carnival here on this blog. But after I was late in posting it this week, I was done with it. The beast in my head was loud, telling me “What’s wrong with you? Who do you think you are, why do you think you even have the right to do this??? You might as well just quit, drop it, focus on your day job, get a second job to take care of the financial pinch you’re in, and forget all of this stupid law of attraction, self-help, spirituality stuff.”

But I remembered… do it anyway…

So I posted it. And I will continue to.

Finally, yesterday morning I opened up to one of my mentors and let him know what was going on with me; the financial fear, the depression, the worry about the future.

One of the things he asked me was “So, do you think the worry is helping you?”

“No, of course not,” I answered.

“But on some level, if only emotionally, is it helping you to feel like you are doing something about these problems you are having?”

I’d never really heard it put that way before. I had to admit that it probably was. That the worry itself was a coping mechanism that, even while it was dragging my down, was at least giving my brain something to do to think it was solving it’s problems. It’s a lot like the smoking paradox: I smoke because of cravings caused by the smoking itself. And that’s what the worry was doing: it was causing anxiety and depression that was, in a way, being relieved by the worry itself.

“Just let it go, Lyman. Turn it over to your Higher Power. Tell him that you can’t handle all of this shit that going on, your goofy job, your money problems, your fear, your depression… tell him your done with it, and it’s his now.”

Once again, one of the things that I used to do that worked, but I stopped doing.

So on my way to work yesterday, that’s exactly what I did. I didn’t worry about who or what “God” or “My Higher Power” was; I didn’t perform any mental masturbation about him/her/it. I just asked for help.

And I ended up having one of the best days at work I’ve had in a long time.

You know, if I had listened to half of the thoughts that I’ve been having this week, I would have ended up as dead as I almost was a couple of years ago. But instead, by applying a few simple principles of right living, I’m feeling like I’m back on the path that I’m meant to be on. Maybe in an hour or two I’ll be back in bed, flipping through useless channels of useless distraction, embarrassed that I had the audacity to post these ideas for the public to see.

But that’s OK if that happens. I don’t think that it will, but if it does, I’ll just look at it again and see what else I can do to create a better life for myself and those that I love.

Thank you for reading. :)

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