Anger, Depression, and Change
Lyman Reed
October 17th, 2006
Uncategorized
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I’ve really been struggling with my emotions the past few days… maybe it’s even been weeks… I don’t know…
I’m angry. I’m depressed. I’m tired.
But I’m still going.
Regular readers of this blog know that this is a recurring theme for me. I’ve been struggling with depression for years and years… it’s only recently that I can say that it’s become manageable because of the tools I’ve gathered together.
One of the most difficult parts of depression is the catch-22 that one can get caught up in so easily. The absolute best thing that one can do when one is depressed is to just move, but that is the last thing that one feels able to do, or even cares about doing. The depressed person can have a wealth of information and strategies for beating back the feelings of apathy and doom, but the problem is that the very same thing that is causing the depression is the thing that one needs to use combat it. Their thinking.
It’s like a starving man who is only feet away from food, but he doesn’t have enough physical strength left drag himself to the plate.
Which is why, at times like these, it’s important to be gentle with myself. Just getting up and going to work is a major victory. Just opening up this blog editor and typing this out is a major victory. The admission that I’m struggling is a major victory.
Every Day in Every Way
One common theme that I’ve noticed popping up in my reading is the idea that, when we begin shifting our thinking toward creating a better life is the idea that things will begin to fall apart around us as our life is made new. As old thinking patterns are reworked, it’s almost like there is a revolt going on in our brains as it tries to maintain the status quo. Since we are such strong creatures of habit, anything new is perceived as an actual threat to our survival, so our subconscious minds begin to sabotage us by bringing up emotions and thoughts whose actual purpose is to stop us from changing.
I noticed that it was about the time when I started really using the classic Émile Coué affirmation “Every Day in Every Way I’m Getting Better and Better” that the anger and depression really started to kick in. I haven’t really set aside time to work with it… I’ve been using more in a praying without ceasing model: whenever my conscious mind isn’t occupied with something else, I’m repeating it to myself: driving to and from work, in the bathroom, lying in bed.
Sometimes it provides some relief from the negative emotions. Sometimes after each repetition, my conscious mind says “Bullshit!” And sometimes I’m just repeating… and repeating… and repeating.
And I’m just going to keep moving here. I’m not going to try and off myself. I’m not going to put any chemicals in my body that will provide instant, temporary relief. I’m going to keep riding out the storm, while taking full responsibility for creating the storm in the first place and knowing that I’m going to come out on the other side of it a little stronger than I was.
Thanks for reading.
| 3.2 |
I added your site’s feed to my bloglines months ago and very much enjoy the ‘personal growth’ carnivals. After reading this post, which touched me deeply, I just wanted to let you know someone else is thinking of you.
Take care. . .
Lyman,
I’m with you. I go through this type of thing every week. Repeating positive thoughts. Fighting the negative, struggling with the old disempowering beliefs. I know why they call them demons, it’s because it’s like a demon in your soul that keeps trying to drag you back into your old miserable patterns. I understand.
Sha-hand-show-bo
Keep thinking, be persistent, you will beat it.
I recognized in your words what I went through when I was determined to break an adrenaline addiction. I went slower, breathed deeply, meditated. I started having panic attacks! I had four in a month. Having read about change and brain chemistry, I decided I was breaking my addiction and my brain was reacting. I haven’t had an attack since. I also realized I might be “addicted” to depression. It seems that awareness helped me. I would warn anyone embarking on a change that feelings may get worse. It’s a sign you’re making progress! Good luck!
thnkrnwrtr - Thanks for the positive words and encouragement. I’m glad you are enjoying the carnivals.
Steve - Thank you, also… but what is Sha-hand-show-bo?
Michele - I’m seeing more and more just how much this is physical. I spent a lot of years treating my body pretty badly, and now I’m sure that my brain is reacting to the changes as well, just as you said. Thanks for the comment.
Keep going with it, Lyman. You’re in my thoughts. I’ve had my times, too.
You and Michelle are right about the physical changes your brain is going through. There is a give and take between the mind and brain. Treat your body right while you go through this - sleep, nutrition, exercise - and it will help some.
Thanks Rick… I appreciate the words of encouragement. I’ll be posting soon about the physical side of all of this, and the changes I’m making to improve my physical health. Maybe it’s about time that I realized that my body isn’t 18 anymore.
Re Steve’s sha-hand-show-bo - See 10 Things I Learned from My 4-Year-Old. It’s a word his son made up that means “Keep on trying even when it’s hard”. Excellent article!
Hi Lyman,
I feel what you’re going through, I struggle with the same things sometimes too. I found that focusing on the smallest things do-able helps, and so does either alone-time or people-time.
Keep going
Hey Lyman,
I can totally relate to your emotional state. I’ve been there too and there is no magical cure except what you’re already doing. One thing I will suggest to you which I think is a very powerful too, is anchoring. If you can create some powerful anchors for yourself and keep re-enforcing them, you will enventually collapse the anchors that cause you the feelings of depression, anger or anything else along those lines.
Let me know if you want to talk more about this but immerse yourself in some good audio books/tapes and around peers who uplift you.
All the best!
Lyman,
For Sha-hand-show-bo, see this post #3.
Steve
Alvin - thanks for that… I’m working with a program that is helping me to do just that… break things down into small, doable chunks, and then getting them done. The momentum that builds after doing just little things is really cool! And it feels good to be able to do more than just slosh through the day again…
Hi Amit,
Anchoring, huh? I know I’ve heard of it… got a link you can post for more info on it?
The immersion thing does help as well. I always feel better after a good dip in a positive blog or podcast than channel surfing.
Thanks for the support. I do appreciate it.
Steve and Rick,
I had read that post (which was fantastic, but had completely forgotten about sha-hand-show-bo. Thanks for the reminder!
Lyman, keep the faith. Your mind will be renewed by your thoughts and your brain will follow.
I go through this all the time, then start wondering what I have to offer the world in the way of personal development, but something keeps telling me to write. Just write!
Thanks for the support, Nneka.
I know what you mean about the “keep writing” thing. I keep on wanting to quit, but even if I did, I know I’d just start over again in a month, but without the material that I’ve already produced. I’ve done it before, and have regretted it every time. This is just something that I have to do.
So sorry for the later reply back Lyman, I’ll try and dig up something on Anchoring or I may even write a post about it just for you!
Have a great day buddy!
No problem on the late reply… and I look forward to the info!