Choice and Blame (or Who Decides When I Get Off Of The Bus?)
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“You can choose a ready guide in some celestial voice.
“If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
“You can choose from phantom fears and kindness that can kill;
“I will choose a path that’s clear
“I will choose freewill.”from Freewill by Rush (lyrics from Absolute Lyrics)
I can be so full of shit sometimes.
Not all of the time. I like to think that, overall, I live a life of integrity.
But every once in a while, I see something about myself that I don’t like much.
A huge part of personal development is recognizing and correcting those things.
Anyone who reads this blog knows that I’m a big believer in Radical Responsibility, the idea that we are 100% responsible for everything happens in our lives.
Just a couple of days ago, my friend Aaron Potts published an article on Today is that Day titled Watching Personal Growth through the Bus Window. It’s a beautiful story of gratitude for all that he’s accomplished and the freedom he’s gained since he was a child riding the prison barge of a bus to school.
I come along, after being moved deeply by the article, and add the following comment:
“Aaron,
THANK YOU! (sorry for shouting)
I was the same kid on that bus - way more interested in reading than mooning people out of the window (do kids still do that?)
I’d say I’m hanging out of the window - the breeze is blowing in my face, but I’m not quite ready to let go. There are too many others on the bus with me that I may not be able to be of service to if I really jumped off.
Ouch… just typing that seemed… well, wrong. Something to consider today as I travel to my own prison. Hey, at least I get to drive myself. :)”
I wasn’t sure at the time just where the “ouch” came from - I knew there was something off about what I’d written, but couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
Aaron posted a great response to my comment, reminding me that it’s not whether we are on the bus or not, but whether or not we want to be there.
I took that to heart as well during my drives to work, both yesterday and today.
And I realized today where the ouch feeling came from.
“There are too many others on the bus with me that I may not be able to be of service to if I really jumped off.”
Wow… what a load!
It’s bad enough that I blamed other people for my own situation in life.
But to make it sound so… self-righteous! Oh, look at Lyman, he’s got so much potential! If only he didn’t have to…
Where’d the radical responsibility go?
Bleech.
Lyman doesn’t “have to” do anything.
Lyman makes choices.
We all do. Every second of every day of all of our lives.
Bring the Law of Attraction into it, and even those things that we would never choose consciously become choices.
And the strange thing is, my choices have been expanding over the past three years in an amazing way.
I went from tied down to a bed in the ICU of a hospital, to not tied down but locked up in the psych ward of another hospital, back home but being baby sat by some really good friends, into a room in a home with 3 other guys in recovery, then into a recovery home run by fundamentalist Christians, to a long term stay at a local hotel, and finally into a “real” apartment.
After the recovery home, I was reunited with my best friend in the world, my wife, who’s life I did my best to trash in the years prior.
I’d say my freedom, and the things that I have to be grateful for, have expanded pretty dramatically over the past 3+ years.
I’ve got so much in my life to be grateful for it isn’t even funny (Aaron reminded me of that as well in his response.)
I’m done referring to my day job as slavery. I’m grateful for all that it’s provided for me and my family, and for the stepping stone it is to my life of freedom.
I haven’t jumped off of that particular bus yet, because I choose not to.
The blame game stops now.
Lyman,
I continue to be inspired by your realizations about how you are in control of your life and your recognition of your own progress along the path.
I am truly grateful that my influence has in any way helped, but believe me when I say that it is a reciprocal agreement, because posts like this one are reminders to us all of our power - sometimes in the face of our own blindness.
You rock, Brother. Oh, and I LOVE that song by Rush - I’ve been saying that line over and over in my head for years!
Hi Lyman,
I was feeling fairly bus-bound this morning; thanks for this reminder that it’s all my choice.
Mike
Hi Lyman……
I just found your blog and read this post and the Radical Responsibilty post…….
I identified with beating the crap out of yourself - I have been there and done that! And I, too, learned about taking responsibilty for my life in AA.
I got sober 23 years ago……
I totally believe in taking responsibilty for my life and I totally believe in the Law of Attraction…..
For me, learning about LOA - I finally learned how to not beat me up! I finally learned how to be kind to me - how to love me unconditionally.
I don’t think taking responsibilty means I need to be mad at me or correct me. I need to look at whatever I created/attracted - and I need to accept - Yes I did that!
If it is something I don’t want to do or be anymore - I just need to accept where I am at this moment and know where I want to be.
When I demand change from me — well what you resist - will persist.
When I can say - Yes I did that - without any judgment - I can easily shift into a better feeling place… as I shift - my life shifts.
*******************
Driving to prison — Hmmm we don’t have to drive as the prison is within — which also means we can get out anytime we choose……
Create a Wonder-Filled Day!
Ellie
Aaron - It may be reciprocal… but thank you for all that you’ve done to help me in my own personal growth. And I should have figured you were a Rush guy!
Mike - You’re welcome! It’s helpful to know that my babbling on here does do some good!
Ellie - Welcome to the blog, and thanks for your great comment! I went through what I’m thinking are some pretty typical steps when it comes to the LoA… first exhilaration, then disappointment, then fear… and now empowerment. This little realization of mine was so different from past ones, because I actually didn’t beat myself up about it. I saw it, corrected it, and moved on. And did it feel GOOD! Just like you said - as I shift, my life shifts… and I think that this was a major turning point.
Hi Lyman, so much synchronicity! This is an excellent post.
For years, when I was with my husband, I blamed him for me not living my life and I did it in a really perverse way. I pointed out to him all the ways that he wasn’t really living. You truly live with your mirror.
Finally, I decided to live my life regardless of what he was doing and take complete responsibility for my life. He didn’t change, but I changed radically. It’s amazing how that happens.
Also, I did a guest post today on Kara-Leah’s site on Forgiving Yourself. I realized that it was much more productive to make the best possible choice than to continue to beat myself up for what I did to him (I did make ammends).
You have to take radical responsibility with huge doses of self forgiveness for it to work.
You illustrated so eloquently how much your life has changed and how you make better and better choices everyday.
In Spirit,
Nneka
PS. What do you use to do the edit comment after post? That’s a really neat plugin.
Lyman, what a great place to be. Awareness is such a big step and has to be our first in recovery. Acceptance of where we are comes next before we can move forward. Congratulations on your choice to heal.
Great post Lyman. Very up front and honest. I very much agree regarding perspectives (choice vs prison).
Nneka - I’m really glad that you mentioned the huge doses of self-forgiveness… it’s so important that even when we do make amends to others, we include ourselves in there. And re: the plugin, it’s at http://www.raproject.com/wordpress/wp-ajax-edit-comments/
Patricia - thanks for your comment. You are right: awareness and acceptance of who and what we are right now are key.
Al - thanks for commenting as well. Welcome!
Hi Lyman,
I’ve been reading your site for a short time. In this breif time, I’d have to say that you have gone through some interesting experiences and you have grown tremendously. I hope you stay on the blogging bus as an inspiration to us, your readers.
But that choice is up to you.
Hi Dean - Thank you!
No, the blogging bus is one that I have no plans to leave anytime soon… it’s that other one, the day job that I’m looking at. Even when I’ve tried jumping off of the blogging bus, I keep getting pulled back in.
Thanks for your comment… it really meant a lot.
Aug 28th, 2007 at 3:01 pm
[…] Lyman Reed at Creating a Better Life presents Choice and Blame (or Who Decides When I Get Off Of The Bus?). Lyman emphatically reminds us that, “Bring the Law of Attraction into it, and even those […]