“You can choose a ready guide in some celestial voice.
“If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
“You can choose from phantom fears and kindness that can kill;
“I will choose a path that’s clear
“I will choose freewill.”

from Freewill by Rush (lyrics from Absolute Lyrics)

I can be so full of shit sometimes.

Not all of the time. I like to think that, overall, I live a life of integrity.

But every once in a while, I see something about myself that I don’t like much.

A huge part of personal development is recognizing and correcting those things.

Anyone who reads this blog knows that I’m a big believer in Radical Responsibility, the idea that we are 100% responsible for everything happens in our lives.

Just a couple of days ago, my friend Aaron Potts published an article on Today is that Day titled Watching Personal Growth through the Bus Window. It’s a beautiful story of gratitude for all that he’s accomplished and the freedom he’s gained since he was a child riding the prison barge of a bus to school.

I come along, after being moved deeply by the article, and add the following comment:

“Aaron,

THANK YOU! (sorry for shouting)

I was the same kid on that bus – way more interested in reading than mooning people out of the window (do kids still do that?)

I’d say I’m hanging out of the window – the breeze is blowing in my face, but I’m not quite ready to let go. There are too many others on the bus with me that I may not be able to be of service to if I really jumped off.

Ouch… just typing that seemed… well, wrong. Something to consider today as I travel to my own prison. Hey, at least I get to drive myself. :) ”

I wasn’t sure at the time just where the “ouch” came from – I knew there was something off about what I’d written, but couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

Aaron posted a great response to my comment, reminding me that it’s not whether we are on the bus or not, but whether or not we want to be there.

I took that to heart as well during my drives to work, both yesterday and today.

And I realized today where the ouch feeling came from.

“There are too many others on the bus with me that I may not be able to be of service to if I really jumped off.”

Wow… what a load!

It’s bad enough that I blamed other people for my own situation in life.

But to make it sound so… self-righteous! Oh, look at Lyman, he’s got so much potential! If only he didn’t have to…

Where’d the radical responsibility go?

Bleech.

Lyman doesn’t “have to” do anything.

Lyman makes choices.

We all do. Every second of every day of all of our lives.

Bring the Law of Attraction into it, and even those things that we would never choose consciously become choices.

And the strange thing is, my choices have been expanding over the past three years in an amazing way.

I went from tied down to a bed in the ICU of a hospital, to not tied down but locked up in the psych ward of another hospital, back home but being baby sat by some really good friends, into a room in a home with 3 other guys in recovery, then into a recovery home run by fundamentalist Christians, to a long term stay at a local hotel, and finally into a “real” apartment.

After the recovery home, I was reunited with my best friend in the world, my wife, who’s life I did my best to trash in the years prior.

I’d say my freedom, and the things that I have to be grateful for, have expanded pretty dramatically over the past 3+ years.

I’ve got so much in my life to be grateful for it isn’t even funny (Aaron reminded me of that as well in his response.)

I’m done referring to my day job as slavery. I’m grateful for all that it’s provided for me and my family, and for the stepping stone it is to my life of freedom.

I haven’t jumped off of that particular bus yet, because I choose not to.

The blame game stops now.

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