Have you ever been on a diet? Most of you probably said you have. Why is it that some people develop eating disorders and others don’t?
When someone talks about an eating disorder they are usually referring to anorexia, bulimia, compulsive overeating or some combination of the three.
What most people don’t understand is that an eating disorder is more than just a fad or a diet, it is a behavior that saturates all parts of the person’s life; it’s physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. Focusing on food, weight, calories and exercise becomes a way to cope with feelings, emotions and life circumstances. The eating disorder behavior is just a symptom that something is not right internally.
Imagine a young girl, who at the age of thirteen was told by her doctor to lose weight, and went from 140 pounds down to 80 pounds in just 6 months, and for the next 23 years of her life, was in and out of treatment centers and hospitals fighting a life and death battle with anorexia, bingeing, compulsive exercise and suicide.
I know first hand what it’s like to have an eating disorder; because that young girl was me, but today I am happy and healthy.
Here’s my story:
Growing up I felt very different from other people. “I’m not pretty enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not funny enough, I’m not thin enough, I’m just not enough.” From my earliest memory I loved to eat. Food was my best friend and it was all I would think about. In school I couldn’t wait to get home because as soon as I got home food was there with open arms waiting for me. I was in love with food and spent a lot of time with it. Food was my best friend and it comforted me. I watched TV with it, I hid in the closet and under the bed with it, and I would steal money from my mom to go buy more food. “I love you food, you are always here for me.”
At age thirteen when I was told by a doctor to go on a diet, my relationship with food changed. Instead of eating it, I would just smell it, and then throw it down the garbage disposal. I became angry at food. Whenever I saw it I thought “You’re making me fat, that’s why nobody likes me.” I started eating less and less and focused more on taking care of the people around me, trying to please them. “Will you love me if I cook and clean for you, how about if I agree with you and do exactly what you say, will you love me then?” Even when I did these things, it still wasn’t good enough and I felt like a failure.
“Hello Exercise”
As I was slowly letting go of food, exercise became my next best friend. I didn’t exercise a lot at the beginning, but when I started losing weight, I began to exercise more and more. Not only did it make me feel good, but it helped me to lose weight. Both the feeling of exercise and losing weight was so gratifying internally and externally, that I didn’t want to stop.
Everywhere I went people were telling me; “wow Debra, you look great.” I began to build my sense of self around the success and positive attention I got for being thin. For the first time in my life I felt acknowledged and appreciated. I thought, “This is the best feeling ever.”
My relationship with food now became a secret love affair. When I was with food no one was allowed to disturb me or see me eat, it was as if I was doing something bad. I wanted to eat, but it was a struggle because I thought if I did, I would get fat and lose all the positive attention I was getting. The more I cut back on food, the more bizarre my eating became. “I’m hungry and I want to eat, but if I do, I’ll get fat. Okay cheerios, I will eat 6 of you one at a time. I see you banana, but you are too big. I’ll cut you in half, nope, still too big. Okay, I’ll eat you but I’ll have to cut you in thirty pieces so you will last a long time.” I stopped using utensils and ate everything with my fingers; it was easier to eat slowly that way.
“Finally, it’s Monday, it’s binge day! I’m free. Come here ice cream, ooh and chocolate cupcakes, and my favorite chocolate peanut butter cups, I see you pop-tarts, chocolate pudding, brownies, finally, I get to eat.”
I ate the same foods, at the same time, in the same way everyday, unless it was Monday, which was binge day. Eating this way became my “comfort” zone (so I thought) actually I never felt comfortable; it was just a shield that I hid behind that I thought kept me “safe.” The eating disorder became a mask that was comfortable, not because it fit, but because I did it for so long.
Have you ever been in a situation where you were upset, worried or anxious and finally found something that made you feel better? And what was it that made you feel better? And did you continue to go back to that person, place or thing to help you feel better? Well, this is how addictions often start. Whenever I felt bad, I would engage in the eating disorder behavior to feel better. At the beginning I used the behaviors to lose weight, and because losing weight made me feel good, over time I would engage in the behaviors to help me feel better and to cope with uncomfortable feelings and situations. After awhile I became trapped, my mind took over, my behavior became automatic making it more difficult to stop and I was on a path of self destruction.
My life was consumed by eating disorder behaviors. If I wasn’t eating, I was exercising, reading cook books or baking for others. I loved food and was obsessed with it, but I didn’t allow myself to enjoy it because of the association I had with it. Having food inside me gave me a sense of connection to my body, and I didn’t want to be connected to something I hated (which was me). Whenever I ate, my emotions and feelings became more intense. I used food as a child to stuff down all my uncomfortable feelings. Now when I ate, those feelings would surface and I didn’t want to feel them so I would exercise all day because it was the only thing I knew that would help me feel better.
I thought that if I sat still for longer than a minute I’d get fat. When I looked down at my thighs I literally thought I saw them spreading right before my eyes. When I looked in the mirror I saw myself as a 500 pound woman. My fears and negative thoughts about myself were being transferred into how I viewed my body.
Being so consumed with food and exercise I didn‘t have to deal with anything else. I was determined to stop the process of life. “I don’t want to grow up; I don’t know how to take care of myself, I don’t deserve to live, please someone, show me you love me by taking care of me.” I was too frightened to take responsibility for myself.
I was forcing my body into a form approved by others but completely opposite from my true nature. Food, exercise, my body and love all became intertwined. The feeling of food inside my body triggered a panic response and I would immediately exercise to “soothe it.” The feelings didn’t go away; I was just pushing them down more and more by running. It worked up until it didn’t.
After dwindling down to 80 pounds at 5 feet 6 inches tall, I entered my first hospital at age 14, and for the next 23 years of my life I lived in an eating—exercising trance. At the beginning it gave me a sense of power and control, but after awhile I was being controlled by my thoughts and behavior and I felt like I no longer had a choice. There were times when I when I was so desperate to stop the behavior and when I couldn’t, I attempted to kill myself thinking that would be the solution.
My inner and outer worlds seemed too frightening and the eating disorder became my protection. I did it for so long; it turned into my identity and automatic way of life. I was a robot, existing but not living. My body was just a vehicle responding to the dictates of my mind. The more I did the behavior, the more I impressed the thoughts and ideas on my subconscious mind, making them fixed and habituated. Even when I made some changes it didn’t last because the thoughts and behaviors were so engrained.
I continued to get worse over the years even after going through numerous hospitals and treatment centers. I ran to hospitals and treatment centers looking and begging for some relief, which I got, but it was only momentarily. As soon as I left, and was responsible for my life, I resorted right back to the eating disorder behaviors and once again became trapped. I temporarily changed my physical appearance, but I never changed the unconscious patterns and limiting beliefs I held about myself and the world, thus I automatically went back to my old patterns. I was filled with so much fear and self hatred and didn’t feel that I deserved to or even wanted to live.
Everyone around me got frustrated because they didn’t understand; know what to do or how to help. At the beginning I got praise for losing weight, but when I became too thin, I received blame, anger and resentment from significant others. The things that were said to me made me feel even worse about myself, and I would continue to starve and/or binge and exercise to escape those feelings. It was a lose-lose situation all around.
My life was contained and controlled. Nothing could come in and I wouldn’t come out. I had such a negative perception of myself and the world. I didn’t allow myself to enjoy nice things because I felt that I didn’t deserve them. I didn’t travel because I wouldn’t have access to my “safe foods.” I limited my time with people because it would get in the way of eating or exercising. I was locked inside my “safe” house or should I say a prison of my own creation, looking out the windows and watching everyone else enjoying their lives. I was playing two roles, the mean prison guard and the prisoner.
People would say to me, “I wish I was as thin as you. Or I wish I was anorexic.” I don’t think they truly understood the torture I was living in. Most people think that it’s just about being thin and able to control food. I always wanted to say; “Okay, you want to be anorexic; here’s the deal, NO MORE FUN, EVER AGAIN! How’s that! “You can only eat certain foods, and they must be eaten at a certain time in a certain way, you can’t change your schedule for any reason, you have to wake up at the same time every morning, you must keep moving all day long to burn calories, you can’t try anything new because you won’t like it and you’ll fail, you can buy new clothes but you can’t wear them, you must put others first, you must constantly put yourself down, do you want me to keep going because there’s more.” Being anorexic means depriving yourself of any pleasure.
Doctors, treatment centers and hospitals wouldn’t allow me to come back after numerous visits. It seemed as if everyone gave up on me. This was actually the best thing that happened because I kept doing the same things over and over again expecting different results.
The anorexia served a purpose in my life; it gave me a sense of comfort, safety, and control. It worked up until the moment it didn’t. By taking small steps everyday in loving myself, and changing my perception to a more empowered way of viewing things, I started to get in touch with “the real me” and live from my true desires. As I did this the eating disorder started to slowly fade. Yes, life does have challenges, and these challenges are here to make me stronger.
I’m very grateful for everything that has happened and continues to happen in my life, it has made me who I am today. Through my experiences I gain tremendous insight and become more enlightened. Life is process, a never ending journey and everyday we get to learn something new and exciting about ourselves and the world around us. We are more than just a body, there is a tender spirit inside each one of us that is beautiful, happy, and loving, and wants to shine. Will you let it?
Steps to Overcome an Eating Disorder
First and foremost know you’ve done nothing wrong. Be gentle and loving with yourself and treat yourself as if you were the most important person in the world, because you are. Recovery is a process. Don’t beat yourself up if you fall back, just get right back up from where you are and continue to move forward.
Embrace all your experiences from the past and in the present because they serve a purpose. See what you can learn from them. You might want to try viewing them from a different perspective.
Surround yourself with people who support and love you unconditionally. People who allow you to have you own feelings and experiences without trying to change them.
Take moments in the day to be still and experience your feelings and emotions fully. Embrace any and all feelings that come up and allow them to just be there without analyzing or judging them. Once you allow yourself to experience your feelings fully, you will be able to receive the messages they are bringing you. This can open a door of tremendous insight and guidance. When we let go of something old, we allow something new to emerge.
Stop at the first thought of engaging in the eating disorder behavior and ask yourself, “How did I know it was time to do this.” Write in your journal and see what comes up for you. This will help you understand what is really going on.
Speak your truth regardless how you might think others will respond. It might be frightening at first, however, you will gain more respect and trust in yourself and from the people around you.
Honor the fact that you’ve been given this life experience to do something wonderful. You might not know what that is yet, but as you allow things to fall away that no longer serve you, the real you will shine. You are not an object; and you are not the eating disorder. You are a precious human being who deserves to have a beautiful, happy and abundant life.
Meditation is a way to quiet your mind from all the chatter. It can also be a way to access your inner wisdom and true self. By doing this you will often be guided in making better choices for your yourself.
Find a hypnotherapist who can help you reframe past hurts, negative thoughts and limiting beliefs you hold about yourself. Because the mind doesn’t know the difference between what is real or imagined, hypnosis is a safe place for you to experience what it would be like to think and act differently. This new way of thinking will start to override the old.
Notice the things you think and say. Whenever you think or speak in ways that don’t serve you, immediately change your thoughts or words to ones that do, (even if you don’t believe it) and repeat them in your mind over and over until you feel something shift inside you.
Everyday do something new, even if it’s just getting out of bed on a different side. Once your subconscious mind becomes familiar with change, it will be open to more. By aligning your conscious mind with your subconscious, you’ll become more relaxed and at peace and your life will start to flow more easily.
You are a precious gift, take some time to get to know the beautiful being you are. You are already perfect; you have all the tools inside you to be you. You deserve to live a happy, peaceful and abundant life, are you ready?
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Debra Mittler is the author of Free yourself from Anorexia and Bulimia now available at www.HypnosisIsFreedom.com and Amazon.com. Along with her personal journey of insight and revelation are a series of step-by-step processes and questionnaires designed to help the reader build confidence, improve self esteem, and replace negative thinking patterns and behaviors with positive ones that build personal growth, strength and power.
Debra Mittler is a Certified Hypnotherapist, Speaker, author and Life Coach in Culver City, California. She has individual clients for all areas of self improvement as well as speaks on eating disorders and teaches self-hypnosis classes.
For more information contact:
Debra Mittler
Debra@HypnosisIsFreedom.com
www.HypnosisIsFreedom.com
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