Creating a Better Life

Powerlessness: Hacking the 12-Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous

Many of you know that I used to attend meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous on a regular basis, but no longer do. After nearly 2 years of 3 times a week minimum, with some weeks hitting six or seven, it’s now been at least a year since I’ve been to one. I could probably fill a book with my reasons for no longer attending, and I’m the first to admit that some are legitimate, while some are not… but there is one that’s been on my mind lately.

Let me say up front that this is not an anti-AA post: some of the people that I met through the meetings I attended helped to literally save my life. Alcoholics Anonymous is a great organization, but like any other large organization it has issues that could use correction. I’ll let others point out it’s flaws - I’m only here to take what I learned from some wonderful people and hopefully pass on to others some tweaks that I’ve made that helped me when I couldn’t (or more accurately, wouldn’t) tow the fundamentalist recovery line.

One of the things that I heard around the meetings quite a bit was that “Alcohol is only mentioned in the first step.” This is because, as it says in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, “bottles are only symptoms.” The purpose of the steps is to produce what is called a “psychic change” that will remove the obsession to drink and make the sufferer “happily and usefully whole.” (See Appendix II - Spiritual Experience of the book Alcoholics Anonymous for more information on what is meant by this “psychic change.”)

Unfortunately, in the very first step of the Twelve Steps, there’s a dirty little word that many in the personal development community find distasteful:

Powerless

That one word stops many people dead in their tracks. They are either insulted and give the big “FU” to powerlessness, or they become stuck in it, and decide that “well, in that case, I’m just screwed.”

In my opinion, the first step (”We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.”) is useless without the second and the third steps.

Step two reads “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

Step three reads “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.”

Whenever a person looks at their life and decides to change something that isn’t as easy as flipping a switch, they go through these three steps.

They recognize that there is a problem that they haven’t been able to solve on their own.

They hope that there is a solution.

They decide that they will follow the directions of people who have already solved their problem.

People who are involved in personal development of any kind do exactly these things. When it first starts, they recognize that they are powerless over their limitations.

This does not mean that there is nothing that can be done about the thing that they want to change. It simply means that, as things stand right now, they don’t have the necessary knowledge or ability to make the change that they want to.

But there’s always hope.

Whatever limitation you are currently powerless over, it’s always possible to find the necessary power if you follow the directions of those that have done what you want to do.

Eliminate Distractions (and Save Your Marriage) While Working from Home

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Working from home is sweet. Not that I”m doing it full time (yet), but I’ve started to have a little taste of not being so dependant on my J.O.B. (Just Over Broke) - and man it tastes good.

I’m also in a very good position to be doing this - no kids in the house, fairly quiet neighborhood, and my best friend and lover both live with me and support me in it.

Thank god my best friend and lover just happen to be the same person, because we live in a very small apartment - 4 rooms. Kitchen, Living Room, Bedroom, and Bathroom.

No place for an office (yet). My home office is in a corner of the living room, right next to the door to the kitchen.

So while there are no distractions from kids, my wife (who also spends much of her time here) and I can end up on top of each other quite frequently. While that can be fun ;), if I’m in the middle of a writing session, it’s just too easy for her to call out from the bedroom “Hey, did you hear about this on CNN?” or “Have you paid the gas bill?”.

And of course, there’s always the dreaded “Watcha doin’?” when she needs to get something from the kitchen.

Since we are in the middle of transitioning into this new lifestyle, old habits do die hard. When my writing and web work were strictly hobbies, these weren’t a problem. Now that they beginning to produce an income (I haven’t heard “Why Don’t You Think and Get a Job” in a while), we’ve had to come up with some guidlines.

Enter the Red Cup

We needed a signal - some way to tell her that “I’m working… please don’t bother me right now.” I couldn’t just tell her “Busy” without sounding short, and I couldn’t acknowledge her entrances or questions without completely losing my train of thought.

When I’m sitting on the floor in the Burmese position with my eyes closed, it’s a pretty good bet that I’m meditating and that I’d prefer that she didn’t disturb me. Sitting at the computer and typing could be anything - I could be working on the Great American Novel, or I could be dashing off an email to my mom.

It was in one of the David Allen podcasts that I first heard the idea of using a signal to show people that one is not to be disturbed. If memory serves, the example given was of an open office in Japan - since the floor plan in the office they were discussing was so wide open, there was no way to really say “Don’t Bother Me” by closing a door or putting up a sign. So they used a red sash - if the person had on the sash, you didn’t bother them.

My wife and I decided to use a red cup, set on top of the computer monitor. The color and height made it noticeable, and it’s easy enough to put up and take down when I’m starting or stopping work. Anything can be used - put on a baseball cap, put up a flag - it really doesn’t matter, as long as the people who live with you understand and respect that when the signal is up, you aren’t to be disturbed, unless someone’s going to die if you aren’t.

To eliminate audible distractions, a set of headphones with whatever music I’m currently in the mood for does the trick. I prefer instrumental stuff (either Baroque or Jazz) simply because that way lyrics that I’m not paying attention to aren’t being planted in my head.

So far it’s working well… I do take the cup down when I’m not working, and she has yet to say word one to me while it’s up.

Mutual respect is a beautiful thing!

If you have any other tips for work at home newbies in small environments, please feel free to leave them in the comments section.

Doing a Personal Development Inventory

One of the things that I learned about from AA was doing a personal inventory. It’s part of steps 4 and 10:

Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

This idea isn’t unique to recovering alcoholics. Socrates said that the unexamined life is not worth living, and many traditions, both religious and secular, tout the benefits of self-examination.

The question is why? Why is the unexamined life not worth living? Why should we spend so much time watching our thoughts, feelings, and actions?

Because we can’t change things if we aren’t conscious of them.

But the point isn’t doing an inventory for the sake of doing an inventory. We could sit around all day and say “I’m good at that” and “I’m need to improve there”, but if we don’t take action on these things, we’ve pretty much wasted our time.

Imagine a store that does their yearly inventory, down to the last insignificant widget, getting a perfect overview of the good and the bad.

“Great, inventory’s done!” Then the papers are filed away until the next year… and all of the broken widgets are still strewn across the shelves, and the older models are not replaced with newer ones.

Or how about when you get ready to leave the house in the morning. You check your pockets or purse to make sure everything is there: Cell Phone, Wallet, Lunch, Car Keys… hey, where are my car keys?

Do you just sit there and lament the fact that you can’t find your car keys?

No. You go and find your keys. Because you can’t drive your car without them.

How would this apply to a personal development inventory?

Let’s see… enthusiasm, gratitude, courage, proactivity… hey, where’s my proactivity?

Let’s go get it!

Of course, it isn’t as easy just to go and get proactivity. It’s not a thing like the car keys. It’s an attitude followed by action.

So how do we get more of what we want?

By focusing on it. By keeping it in our sights.

Not by focusing on the lack of it.

So maybe that day, you just keep in your mind that you are going to be proactive. You are going to look for opportunities to take action, to grab the ball, to do things when they are presented to you.

And at the end of the day, you look at it.

Shoot, I didn’t do it here… or here… or here.

You make a promise to yourself that you will do it tomorrow.

You get up the next day.

You focus on proactivity.

At the end of the day… “Man… I didn’t do it here… or here… or here…”

You make a promise to yourself that you will do it tomorrow.

You get up the next day.

You focus on proactivity.

That night: “Darn, I didn’t do it here… or here… but wait… I did it there!”

Now that’s a feeling that’s better than anything.

And that’s the way this stuff works usually works.

Small, incremental improvements over time. A little bit better today than you were yesterday.

Quantum, huge jumps do happen and are possible… but they are also rare.

A little at a time, a moment at a time, is a tried and true way to create your better life.

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One note of caution - do not use your inventories to beat up on yourself. That’s focusing on what you don’t want. Instead, just acknowledge your slip up and turn towards what you do want.

It doesn’t matter what you did even 5 minutes ago… it matters what you are doing right now. What you did 5 minutes ago can only be used as an indicator of where you were… don’t let it be a template for what you are now.

How To Quit Quitting

If there’s anyone who knows how to quit, it’s me.

I quit when I was afraid that my musical ability wasn’t good enough, and decided to drop it and go to work full time for a large pizza delivery chain instead.

I quit when I was promoted to a store manager for that delivery chain, and opted to step down and be a driver again.

I quit when, after joining the Navy, I got myself kicked out by developing a drinking problem.

I quit quitting drinking within my first 30 days of trying.

I quit every job I had in the 90’s (and most of the beginning of the 00’s), using the alcoholism and depression as my reasons.

I started blogging in early 2000 (I think), and quit on every blog I ever started (except for recently).

I think I’ve got the quitting thing down!

Since then, I’ve learned how to keep going despite mistakes.

We Don’t Have To Be Perfect

Each of the quits I mentioned above were because of one single thing.

I couldn’t do any of them “perfectly.”

• I wasn’t the perfect musician, so I just stopped playing.
• I wasn’t the perfect manager, so I decided to be a delivery person instead.
• I wasn’t the perfect sailor, so I got myself out of that one.
• I was never perfect at any of my jobs, so I just stopped showing up for them.

What About Now?

The majority of my income comes from my work as a flooring salesman for one of the big national home improvement chains.

Most days, I make mistakes on my job.

Some days, I make HUGE mistakes.

I’ve been with them for nearly two years now… and I haven’t quit yet.

My real love is writing and blogging, especially about personal development. I’m even starting to earn a small income from it.

Every day, I make mistakes on this (and other) blogs.

Some days, I make HUGE mistakes.

But I’m still working on it after about a year and a half.

Why?

Because I’ve realized that I don’t, and my work doesn’t, have to be perfect.

Other’s Ideas of Perfection

When I use the word “perfect”, I’m using it in the sense of other people’s opinions of things.

Many of us get so caught up another’s idea of perfection that we paralyze ourselves and will stop doing those things that we love to do, or stop reaching for those goals that we want to achieve, simply because of what other people think.

Of course, there are people whose opinions we value. If you’re an employee, and you honestly don’t care what your boss thinks of your performance, you may have a little problem when review time comes around. If you’re a married male, and you honestly don’t care what your wife thinks of you, why not go ahead and tell her every time you think another woman is hot?

There are exceptions, but for most of us, we do have people in our lives whose opinion we value.

The problem lies in valuing their judgment of us more than our own.

Imaginary Judgement

Here’s another example from my own life:

Whenever I got a new job during what I like to call my “crazy years” (the 90’s and the first half of 00’s), I would get so torn up about what my new employers thought of me and my performance that I’d simply stop showing up. Whether it was a job as a network administrator or as a bra and pantie packager (yup, I did that), the slightest mistake, the smallest bad evaluation would send me into a tailspin.

Even worse was when I was told that I was doing a good job, because then I thought I was a fraud.

I’d read and pray and meditate and affirm my goodness, but none of that mattered.

Most of it was only in my head, but I was allowing what was in my head to destroy me. I realize that I’m an extreme example here, but I know of others who have gone through the same thing, and also know that most people experience these kind of feelings to a lesser degree.

So what can we do about it?

My Solution

While I couldn’t let go of the idea that other people’s opinions of me did matter to a degree, I had to pull it back to the point of realizing these things:

• If they don’t say anything to me directly, it can’t matter all that much. Unless they flat out come out and tell me “You Suck!”, I’m not going to assume that I suck anymore.
• If they do come out and say “You Suck”, then that’s more about them than it is about me. It’s about their own evaluation in the moment it’s made. If it’s not someone whose opinion I value, Oh Well! Thanks for sharing! If it is, then I’d like to dig a little further.
• I’d like to get to the bottom of why they think I suck. If I truly value their opinion, I’ll get into a dialog with them: How important is it that I change? Just what is it that I should change? What are the benefits to changing?
• After discussing, evaluate for yourself. With the boss, is this a deal-breaker when it comes to the job? If so, weigh not having that particular job against doing what she or he wants. With the wife, is the marriage in trouble? Evaluate that honestly.
• Then make the change or don’t make the change. Bottom line, it’s up to you. But be prepared to live with the consequences.

It Aint’ Easy

This has all taken practice, and I keep having to practice it each day (especially the boss one). But it is getting better, and I’m realizing that a lot of the time, no matter what others say or do, I can remain happy and focused, and continue to move in the direction of my goals.

When I do quit something, it’s almost never because of fear (I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to never). Now it’s because I’ve done a real evaluation of it, and decided that it’s just not a valuable part of me creating a better life.

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[This post was included in the Blog Community Bloggers Carnival on Thoughts and Philosophies.]

Making a Difference - One Blog at a Time

Pamm of My Secret Spiritual Dance made my day by passing the Bloggers for Positive Global Change award on to me.

Thank you, Pamm. Your blog has brought me on a fascinating journey through subjects I haven’t explored much in the past, and it’s been a great learning experience. I appreciate you.

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Since I’m a strong believer in, as Gandhi said, “being the change you wish to see in the world”, here are those who I think do just that, as well as teaching others how to do the same:

Steve Pavlina’s Personal Development Blog - Steve was one of the first personal development bloggers who achieved widespread recognition for his blogging, and for good reason… his content is top notch. I’ve learned more than I can say from him, especially about subjective reality and from his 30-day experiments.

Aaron Potts’ Today is That Day - This guy frickin’ amazes me. It’s not only his blog: he truly engages people to make positive change through his Personal Development Partners and 10,000 Fists to Freedom projects.

Carolyn Manning’s Thoughts and Philosophies - Carolyn never fails to make me think. She’s as real as it gets, and when things get tough she says so. There’s no sugar coating, which I appreciate. Her sense of humor always brings a smile to my face. I’ll never forget the work she put into bringing together those of us who couldn’t attend SOBCon 07 by creating the Getting it Together Virtual Conference.

Rick Cockrum’s Shards of Consciousness - Rick is another blogger who never fails to spark my brain. His articles range from walking meditation to cat blogging to the founding of my country, and they never fail to teach me something. His podcasts are always the first I listen to when I’ve got a few to select from.

Steve Olson’s steve-olson.com - I first ran across Steve’s blog on one of the social networking sites (I think it was reddit.com) and watched as he was being slammed by a bunch of narrow minded idiots (to put it lightly) for having the gall to talk about sharing his beliefs with his son… and I was immediately hooked. His posts on freedom and education are among the best I’ve read, and I always look forward to more. If you want to read a guy who lives “the change he wants to see in the world”, read Steve Olson. I love his overall message that it’s up to you, not anyone else, to create your better life (did I get that right, Steve?)

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I would have loved to include more, but I decided to follow the guidelines and stick with five; otherwise this post could have gone on forever, and I’ve got a Vegas trip to get ready for! I went with my gut, and those were the first five who came to mind.

If any of the five of you choose to, here are the instructions for passing this on:

1. Write a post with links to up to 5 blogs that you think are trying to change the world in a positive way.

2. In your post, make sure you link to the post that originated the award meme.

3. Leave a comment or message for the bloggers you’re tagging, so they know they’re now part of the meme.

4. Optional: Proudly display the “Bloggers For Positive Global Change” award badge with a link to the post that you write up.

Thank you all for changing the world!