Creating a Better Life

How To Quit Quitting

If there’s anyone who knows how to quit, it’s me.

I quit when I was afraid that my musical ability wasn’t good enough, and decided to drop it and go to work full time for a large pizza delivery chain instead.

I quit when I was promoted to a store manager for that delivery chain, and opted to step down and be a driver again.

I quit when, after joining the Navy, I got myself kicked out by developing a drinking problem.

I quit quitting drinking within my first 30 days of trying.

I quit every job I had in the 90’s (and most of the beginning of the 00’s), using the alcoholism and depression as my reasons.

I started blogging in early 2000 (I think), and quit on every blog I ever started (except for recently).

I think I’ve got the quitting thing down!

Since then, I’ve learned how to keep going despite mistakes.

We Don’t Have To Be Perfect

Each of the quits I mentioned above were because of one single thing.

I couldn’t do any of them “perfectly.”

• I wasn’t the perfect musician, so I just stopped playing.
• I wasn’t the perfect manager, so I decided to be a delivery person instead.
• I wasn’t the perfect sailor, so I got myself out of that one.
• I was never perfect at any of my jobs, so I just stopped showing up for them.

What About Now?

The majority of my income comes from my work as a flooring salesman for one of the big national home improvement chains.

Most days, I make mistakes on my job.

Some days, I make HUGE mistakes.

I’ve been with them for nearly two years now… and I haven’t quit yet.

My real love is writing and blogging, especially about personal development. I’m even starting to earn a small income from it.

Every day, I make mistakes on this (and other) blogs.

Some days, I make HUGE mistakes.

But I’m still working on it after about a year and a half.

Why?

Because I’ve realized that I don’t, and my work doesn’t, have to be perfect.

Other’s Ideas of Perfection

When I use the word “perfect”, I’m using it in the sense of other people’s opinions of things.

Many of us get so caught up another’s idea of perfection that we paralyze ourselves and will stop doing those things that we love to do, or stop reaching for those goals that we want to achieve, simply because of what other people think.

Of course, there are people whose opinions we value. If you’re an employee, and you honestly don’t care what your boss thinks of your performance, you may have a little problem when review time comes around. If you’re a married male, and you honestly don’t care what your wife thinks of you, why not go ahead and tell her every time you think another woman is hot?

There are exceptions, but for most of us, we do have people in our lives whose opinion we value.

The problem lies in valuing their judgment of us more than our own.

Imaginary Judgement

Here’s another example from my own life:

Whenever I got a new job during what I like to call my “crazy years” (the 90’s and the first half of 00’s), I would get so torn up about what my new employers thought of me and my performance that I’d simply stop showing up. Whether it was a job as a network administrator or as a bra and pantie packager (yup, I did that), the slightest mistake, the smallest bad evaluation would send me into a tailspin.

Even worse was when I was told that I was doing a good job, because then I thought I was a fraud.

I’d read and pray and meditate and affirm my goodness, but none of that mattered.

Most of it was only in my head, but I was allowing what was in my head to destroy me. I realize that I’m an extreme example here, but I know of others who have gone through the same thing, and also know that most people experience these kind of feelings to a lesser degree.

So what can we do about it?

My Solution

While I couldn’t let go of the idea that other people’s opinions of me did matter to a degree, I had to pull it back to the point of realizing these things:

• If they don’t say anything to me directly, it can’t matter all that much. Unless they flat out come out and tell me “You Suck!”, I’m not going to assume that I suck anymore.
• If they do come out and say “You Suck”, then that’s more about them than it is about me. It’s about their own evaluation in the moment it’s made. If it’s not someone whose opinion I value, Oh Well! Thanks for sharing! If it is, then I’d like to dig a little further.
• I’d like to get to the bottom of why they think I suck. If I truly value their opinion, I’ll get into a dialog with them: How important is it that I change? Just what is it that I should change? What are the benefits to changing?
• After discussing, evaluate for yourself. With the boss, is this a deal-breaker when it comes to the job? If so, weigh not having that particular job against doing what she or he wants. With the wife, is the marriage in trouble? Evaluate that honestly.
• Then make the change or don’t make the change. Bottom line, it’s up to you. But be prepared to live with the consequences.

It Aint’ Easy

This has all taken practice, and I keep having to practice it each day (especially the boss one). But it is getting better, and I’m realizing that a lot of the time, no matter what others say or do, I can remain happy and focused, and continue to move in the direction of my goals.

When I do quit something, it’s almost never because of fear (I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to never). Now it’s because I’ve done a real evaluation of it, and decided that it’s just not a valuable part of me creating a better life.

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[This post was included in the Blog Community Bloggers Carnival on Thoughts and Philosophies.]

Groovy, Man… Getting My Vibes Up

I’ve been asked by Cardin (and now Rick) to take part in The High Vibes Game. In a nutshell, we are sharing what we do to raise our “vibes”, and pointing to posts that have helped us do this.

My top five vibe raising activities are:

Do Something!

Since I’ve suffered from severe depression through most of my life, just getting up and doing something can do wonders for my vibes. Depression is the classic low vibe state, and when it’s chronic and severe, it’s only a step above death. One of the greatest ways to combat it is to get your body moving, do something, anything, that involves physical activity. Outdoors in natural sunlight is best, but if that’s not possible, just doing something physical is always better than doing nothing, even if it’s just wiggling your toes when you can’t get out of bed.

Insight Meditation

There’s a reason I keep writing about this… because when I do it, the results are immediate and amazing. My mind clears, my energy levels go up, and I am much more focused on my day.

Laughter

One of the reasons that my wife and I are so happy in our relationship is that we laugh together so much. Humor can do wonders for our vibes - now every time something good happens to us, either Tracy or I will look at each other and blurt out “Secret!”

Playing with my Dog

I was brought up as a a cat person, but I’ve converted over to the other side. Nothing beats it when I get home and Baby comes flying out of the bedroom and jumps on me until I get down on my knees so she can give me a hug by draping her front paws over my shoulders. She drives us crazy too (I think this dog and her might be related), but even that is one of the joys of our lives. Another one of Tracy and my words is “Starving!” (you’ll have to read the previous link to get it).

Reaching for a Better Feeling Thought

Abraham-Hicks teaches about an emotional scale, and how moving up that scale can move us into a place of allowing. The scale runs from “Fear/Grief/Depression/Despair/Powerlessness” to “Joy/Appreciation/Empowered/Freedom/Love”. When I can just reach for a thought that is a bit higher on the scale, I can immediately feel the benefits. One of the most freeing things for me was when I gave myself permission to feel anger or blame, simply because they felt better than depression.

So those are my top five ways to raise my vibes. And I’m high vibing the following posts:

The Emotional Scale - The Key to Your Success from Contemplate This

Happiness is Just Around the Corner from The Chief Happiness Officer

Subject Reality Q&A from Steve Pavlina . com - Personal Development for Smart People

A Guide to Cultivating Compassion in Your Life, With 7 Practices from zen habits

The Pmarca Guide to Personal Productivity from blog.pmarca.com

It was tough picking only five, but those are them!

Be sure to check out High Vibe It and read/submit some posts today!

The Personal Development Carnival - June 3, 2007

Welcome to the June 3, 2007 edition of the Personal Development Carnival!

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If your home is your business, what kind of manager are you? Erica Douglas gives us the advantages and disadvantages of different management styles in Parenting: Micro-management v Complete Delegation, posted at Littlemummy.Com.

Keeping stock of our money means keeping stock of our lives and development. Silicon Valley Blogger tells us about 5 Tips On Evaluating Your Investment Portfolio Performance posted at The Digerati Life.

Laura Young details a humorous and lesson filled experience in following one of her dreams in The Path is Made by Walking: What Charlie Trotter Taught Me About Life posted at Dragon Slayer’s Guide to Life.

Albert Foong presents Stepping into greatness and out of unhappiness with dynamic goals - Aristotle and Ego Series. posted at The Urban Monk, saying “You probably suffer because of what you want and how you go about achieving your goals. The best secret to productivity, success, and happiness lies in switching how you approach your goals.”

Lexi Sundell gives us five Suggestions for Developing Intuition posted at Energies of Creation, saying “This article provides a straight forward guide to developing intuition.”

isabella mori brings us “the story of how i got myself back into business after some weeks of concentrating on family” in taking care of business posted at change therapy.

zenofeller asks us to take at look at what really works in The drowned faithfull posted at zenofeller.com.

Attila Borcsa presents See how friendships decisively affect your life posted at Vertegram, saying “The need for safety and confirmation in friendships can be transformed into the mirror of self-understanding.”

Billy Smith presents 3 Books for the Young Developing Leader posted at The Organic Leadership Blog.

Barbra Sundquist presents Spend Time with People Who Appreciate You posted at WelcomeJoy.com.

Debra Moorhead presents What Gardening Has Taught Me About Life posted at Debra Moorhead.com.

Anmol Mehta presents Heart Chakra Meditation, Balancing & Healing Online Class posted at Mastery of Meditation, Enlightenment & Kundalini Yoga, saying “Online Meditation and Yoga course to help open and heal the Heart Center to promote love, forgiveness and compassion.”

Joseph Bernard, Ph.D. presents Are You Ready For Some Good News? posted at Explore Life, saying “Paul Hawken is a visionary thinker and his new websource is of interest to anyone who want to make a positive difference in the world.”

Alex Blackwell presents Begin Right Now, Today posted at The Next 45 Years.

Joanne Tai presents A Weird Dream posted at I’m Happy Fish.

Lola presents Goal Setting Techniques posted at Real World Spiritual and Personal Development, saying, “Practical goal setting tips that will propel you towards success.”

William Dvorak presents Selfishness, Defined posted at The First Creation.

edithyeung presents How to Identify What You Really Want? posted at Edith Yeung.Com: Dream. Think. Act..

Andrew Michaels presents The Centrality Of The Mind posted at Lifecrafting, saying, “This article is about how your own mind can sabotage your life, but just as much, how your mind can help you achieve the peace, success, and quality of life that you deserve.”

Ted Reimers presents The Top College Internship Programs posted at CampusGrotto.

David presents Want Success? Get Some Sleep! posted at Worldwide Success.

Raymond David Salas presents How to Make Your Life Easier posted at ZenChill.com Power Tools Blog.

Alvin Soon presents 7 Power Wounds posted at Life Coaches Blog.

Craig Harper presents So, You Want to be a Writer? posted at Renovate your life with Craig, saying, “We’ve all got at least one great idea, message or story in us… it’s whether or not we choose to share that with the world and how we go about it. Many (many, many, many) incredibly talented and successful professional writers have zero training and qualifications.”

Chris presents Regular Logical Mode vs. Fun Partying Mode In Social Interactions posted at How to have more social success.

Christine Kane presents Immunity from Gas Prices: One Girl’s Ultimate Guide posted at Christine Kane’s Blog.

Anne Maybus presents How Do You Know When You Are Going Too Fast? posted at The Tall Poppy, saying, “A gentle way to slow things down.”

Rory Sullivan presents The Secret To Successful Parenting: Make Yourself Dispensable posted at hamelife.

Leah J. Utas presents Daily Angels posted at The Goat’s Lunch Pail.

CA presents Business life lesson - Business is a team sport posted at Atlantic Canada’s Small Business Blog, saying, “Business is a team sport. Or is it? Or at least that’s what I thought – until I got a wakeup call.”

Heather Flanagan presents If only I were rich posted at Visualize Possibilities, saying, “This post is about coming from an inner state of abundance in order that we may experience now the feelings that we think wealth will elicit in us. In other words, stop pretending you aren’t wealthy!”

Karen Lynch presents What Do You See? posted at LivethePower.

Alvaro Fernandez presents Yoga and stress management posted at SharpBrains, saying, “The possibilities of using a non-invasive treatment with few side effects, like yoga, to help with depression, anxiety, and other disorders with low GABA levels are exciting.”

Kevin Kinchen presents Earnings vs. Savings posted at Creative Power of Thought: Thoughts Become Things.

Rodger Constandse presents How to Avoid Perfectionism without Becoming Careless or Sloppy posted at Goals to Action, saying, “Tips on how to avoid perfectionism without becoming careless or sloppy.”

Lori Radun presents Friend or Saboteur ~ What is Your Relationship with Yourself (Part 1) posted at The Mom Coach.

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Thank you to all of the contributors for your wisdom and talent! And thank you for reading this edition of the Personal Development Carnival!

Next week’s edition will be hosted at Live the Power. Get your article in now via our submission page provided by Blog Carnival.

And don’t forget - if you are interested in hosting an edition of the carnival, all of the information is available on the Host an Edition page.

Now go make it a fantastic week!

Get More Done by Doing Nothing

I’ve been asked by Ellesse of Goal Setting College to participate in a group writing project started by Ben of Instigator Blog: What’s Your Top Productivity Tip?

Mine is Doing Nothing.

At least that’s how it would appear to my culture’s go go go do it now get it done yesterday attitude.

Of course, we can never really do nothing (which I learned from Simpleology 101), and this is no exception.

I’m talking about the practice of insight meditation, also known as Vipassana.

The technical, Buddhist “religious” reason for practicing insight meditation is to free oneself from suffering and to achieve enlightenment, but when I first read about this project, I immediately made a connection and realized that meditation offers many productivity benefits as well.

The bottom line in this practice is learning to experience what is going on now.

Not yesterday, not tomorrow, but now.

Not 30 minutes ago, not later today, but now.

For this project, I think it’s more appropriate to write about why I practice, rather than how to practice. While I’ve dipped my toe in various forms of meditation for years, it’s only been over the last few months that I’ve made a sustained effort to incorporate this into my daily life.

I’m far from qualified to teach it.

People have been practicing insight meditation for thousands of years, and there are over a million resources related to it on the web. My personal favorite resource for meditation and mindfulness instruction is The Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA. (I’ve only visited them virtually, but I hope to one day check them out in person.)

So anyway… why do it, and how does it relate to productivity?

• Serenity - You could also call this relaxation and/or stress reduction, but because of my roots in recovery, serenity is the best way I can describe it. Things just don’t seem to bother me like they used to, and I’m able to pull myself back from going over the edge in my head when something happens that I think is going to be a disaster. When I don’t have fear and anger running around in my head, I am less distracted and have more energy, and am able to put out fires that need to be put out, or let them burn and be OK with that.
• Improved Concentration - When one sits for 15 or 20 minutes a day, focusing on the breath and watching the thoughts that come and go, the mind is getting practice at doing just one thing at a time. As distractions come up, I’m constantly telling myself “Back to the breath, back to the breath”, and this spills over into my daily activities. It reminds me to say “Back to the customer” or “Back to the writing” when a thought like “wow, a cigarette would be outstanding right now” pops into my head.
• Improved Memory - When I was complaining to my last sponsor in AA that I could never remember anyone’s name at the meetings and blaming it on brain damage from the alcohol and drugs, he told me that it was because I was too selfish to pay attention to anyone but myself. And he was right. I was so concerned about my own petty problems that I wouldn’t take the time to think about anyone else. It may sound like a paradox, but by spending a little time each day focusing on what’s going on with myself right now, the distractions of my own thoughts have lessened, so I can now pay attention to what’s going on around me, and therefore actually remember some of it.
• The Ability to Accept People, Including Myself - After watching my own thoughts and just accepting them as they are, it’s made me realize that, on a fundamental level, others are just looking for the same thing that I am: happiness. We all just have some goofy ways of trying to find it. I don’t have to like, or condone, or even allow some of the things people (including myself) do or try to do, but I can accept them as being what they are in the moment. Once again, this lessens the distraction of worrying about what others are doing, and allows me to focus on my own stuff.

Do you have a top productivity tip to share? If you do, feel free to join in the project. If you aren’t a blogger, I’d love to hear your tip in the comments.