Creating a Better Life

The Secret to Failure

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” — Wayne Gretzky

Most of my life, as far back as I can remember, I’ve had a real problem with success.

Some of my earliest memories of my own thoughts are those of needing to suffer… simply because others suffer. Of feeling guilty for having, when so many have not.

I don’t remember the exact quote, but Saint Paul talked about his willingness to go to hell if it would save one sinner. I always thought this was noble.

But I missed the point of it.

I can’t keep people out of hell by going there myself. If anything, the best way to save others is by saving myself, and showing others how I did it.

Maybe my particular techniques won’t work for everyone… but by not sharing what I’ve learned, how I’ve lived, and what I’ve accomplished, I’m not helping anyone.

And if I don’t share the struggles I’ve had on my way there, then I’m presenting a false image of myself.

Over the past couple of weeks, many of those struggles (of not deserving, of inadequacy) have been nipping at my butt again.

But you know what?

I’m done tearing down all that I’ve built just because there’s some part of my brain that thinks I can’t handle success.

I’m done feeling guilty because I’ve tried something that I wanted to try and ended up not enjoying it or wanting to continue. My interests are wide, and as my mom has always told me - “There’s nothing wrong with having a wide variety of interests.” (Mothers can really be a great source of wisdom… it’s just too bad that we don’t recognize that earlier. )

I’m done feeling inadequate when it comes to the things that I want to accomplish. I’ll never know just how competent I can be if I quit.

Quitting

One of my favorite quotes is “90% of success is showing up.”

Do a little switcheroo on that, and you’ve got a great way to guarantee failure.

Stop showing up.

Stop showing up for work, and you’re out an income. Stop responding to phone calls and emails, and you’re out friends and contacts. Stop writing, or building your business, or whatever it is that is moving you in the direction of your dreams… and you are absolutely guaranteed not to get what you want.

Show up, and you’ve got a shot.

Show up, and work on what’s in front of you, and you’ve increased your chances a thousandfold.

Thank you to my friends at Personal Development Partners (especially Aaron and Patricia) who knocked on my virtual door and asked “Hey, you still in there?” (I’m still on the right side of the daisies, Aaron.)

Thank you to Rick, who reminded me of the sandbar beneath my feet.

Thank you to Vickie, who said she missed my wisdom.

Thank you to my wife, who daily convinces me to keep on going, and to not hit that “Delete Blog” button.

And thank you to you, dear reader. Without you, there really would be no reason to do this. I probably still would, though.

Don’t forget to show up for your life today!

How To Quit Quitting

If there’s anyone who knows how to quit, it’s me.

I quit when I was afraid that my musical ability wasn’t good enough, and decided to drop it and go to work full time for a large pizza delivery chain instead.

I quit when I was promoted to a store manager for that delivery chain, and opted to step down and be a driver again.

I quit when, after joining the Navy, I got myself kicked out by developing a drinking problem.

I quit quitting drinking within my first 30 days of trying.

I quit every job I had in the 90’s (and most of the beginning of the 00’s), using the alcoholism and depression as my reasons.

I started blogging in early 2000 (I think), and quit on every blog I ever started (except for recently).

I think I’ve got the quitting thing down!

Since then, I’ve learned how to keep going despite mistakes.

We Don’t Have To Be Perfect

Each of the quits I mentioned above were because of one single thing.

I couldn’t do any of them “perfectly.”

• I wasn’t the perfect musician, so I just stopped playing.
• I wasn’t the perfect manager, so I decided to be a delivery person instead.
• I wasn’t the perfect sailor, so I got myself out of that one.
• I was never perfect at any of my jobs, so I just stopped showing up for them.

What About Now?

The majority of my income comes from my work as a flooring salesman for one of the big national home improvement chains.

Most days, I make mistakes on my job.

Some days, I make HUGE mistakes.

I’ve been with them for nearly two years now… and I haven’t quit yet.

My real love is writing and blogging, especially about personal development. I’m even starting to earn a small income from it.

Every day, I make mistakes on this (and other) blogs.

Some days, I make HUGE mistakes.

But I’m still working on it after about a year and a half.

Why?

Because I’ve realized that I don’t, and my work doesn’t, have to be perfect.

Other’s Ideas of Perfection

When I use the word “perfect”, I’m using it in the sense of other people’s opinions of things.

Many of us get so caught up another’s idea of perfection that we paralyze ourselves and will stop doing those things that we love to do, or stop reaching for those goals that we want to achieve, simply because of what other people think.

Of course, there are people whose opinions we value. If you’re an employee, and you honestly don’t care what your boss thinks of your performance, you may have a little problem when review time comes around. If you’re a married male, and you honestly don’t care what your wife thinks of you, why not go ahead and tell her every time you think another woman is hot?

There are exceptions, but for most of us, we do have people in our lives whose opinion we value.

The problem lies in valuing their judgment of us more than our own.

Imaginary Judgement

Here’s another example from my own life:

Whenever I got a new job during what I like to call my “crazy years” (the 90’s and the first half of 00’s), I would get so torn up about what my new employers thought of me and my performance that I’d simply stop showing up. Whether it was a job as a network administrator or as a bra and pantie packager (yup, I did that), the slightest mistake, the smallest bad evaluation would send me into a tailspin.

Even worse was when I was told that I was doing a good job, because then I thought I was a fraud.

I’d read and pray and meditate and affirm my goodness, but none of that mattered.

Most of it was only in my head, but I was allowing what was in my head to destroy me. I realize that I’m an extreme example here, but I know of others who have gone through the same thing, and also know that most people experience these kind of feelings to a lesser degree.

So what can we do about it?

My Solution

While I couldn’t let go of the idea that other people’s opinions of me did matter to a degree, I had to pull it back to the point of realizing these things:

• If they don’t say anything to me directly, it can’t matter all that much. Unless they flat out come out and tell me “You Suck!”, I’m not going to assume that I suck anymore.
• If they do come out and say “You Suck”, then that’s more about them than it is about me. It’s about their own evaluation in the moment it’s made. If it’s not someone whose opinion I value, Oh Well! Thanks for sharing! If it is, then I’d like to dig a little further.
• I’d like to get to the bottom of why they think I suck. If I truly value their opinion, I’ll get into a dialog with them: How important is it that I change? Just what is it that I should change? What are the benefits to changing?
• After discussing, evaluate for yourself. With the boss, is this a deal-breaker when it comes to the job? If so, weigh not having that particular job against doing what she or he wants. With the wife, is the marriage in trouble? Evaluate that honestly.
• Then make the change or don’t make the change. Bottom line, it’s up to you. But be prepared to live with the consequences.

It Aint’ Easy

This has all taken practice, and I keep having to practice it each day (especially the boss one). But it is getting better, and I’m realizing that a lot of the time, no matter what others say or do, I can remain happy and focused, and continue to move in the direction of my goals.

When I do quit something, it’s almost never because of fear (I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to never). Now it’s because I’ve done a real evaluation of it, and decided that it’s just not a valuable part of me creating a better life.

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[This post was included in the Blog Community Bloggers Carnival on Thoughts and Philosophies.]